“It wasn’t God abandoning me — it was me shutting God out. He rescued me from that black hole.”
I grew up going to church, but until my teens I guess it was just a habit. Then a youth club leader started to talk about his relationship with God – how I wondered? My curiosity grew! | also met Malcolm, who already had a strong faith and a relationship with God. I started exploring!
I married Malcolm and faith was really important to us both. We went to an Alpha course together which explained God’s love for us – finally I understood! My relationship began properly. Although I’d been confirmed I decided to get baptised, to show to others how important having God in my life was.
Life was good, with its ups and downs, and my faith grew strong, I could rely on God to listen to me, saw many prayers answered. Then out of the blue Malcolm died, my world was shattered!
I was devastated, and angry with God! My question – why? I hung on to God despite my trust and faith wobbling, I felt abandoned. | went through a real testing time for eighteen months and one day hit rock bottom, felt I couldn’t take anymore, like I was drowning, and I cried and shouted at God for help! It was then I realised that it wasn’t God abandoning me but me shutting God out. He rescued me from that black hole!
God has definitely become my rock in all situations. Even in lockdown! I felt so lonely, I’d needed family, friends around me, a busy life to occupy me, instead I had my own company for walks and sitting in the garden – I talked to God! For the first time since Malcolm died, I felt at peace. Yes, I still miss him loads, still face problems on my own but God has given me courage, thankfulness and hope in my heart for all that I’m blessed with.
